I want some friends!

Lonely, lonely, lonely. I've finally got online having been without internet at home for what seems like forever, and all it's done is to remind me of how lonely I am. I'm going to give up on Facebook for now, it's a waste of time. Who needs a reminder of how few people I know?? Just makes me depressed. I seem to want to have my cake and eat it though. I like plenty of time to myself, but want more friends, and it doesn't work like that. Oh well, just having a gloomy do, we're all allowed every now and again!

Who'd be a nurse today?

I got really fed up a few days ago while reading the BBC Have Your Say comments. Nurses were getting such a bashing from so many people; apparently we are dirty, we don't care and we don't wash our hands. There were also complaints about not wanting to feed or wash people anymore because that is not part of our job. They are actually two tasks I really like to do. I like them because it gives me the chance to talk to people. Nurses do not spend as much time with their patients as they would like because there are so many other things to do, like all the jobs that doctors used to do. And when there are another 8+ patients to look after, all at different stages of their illness / hospital stay, and some who are really unwell, it leaves very little time to spend with each individual. I love my job, I have been a healthcare assistant for 9 years and a student nurse for 18 months. I know already that as a qualified nurse I will probably be demoralised by the lack of quality of care I can offer due to workload. I will often go home knowing I could have done a better job but for the paperwork I have had to complete and the work I have had to delegate to HCAs because I haven't had the time. It is often the work that I most enjoy as well. Why am I doing my training? Well, despite the relative low pay of nurses, it is a damn sight more than HCAs get, and as a single parent I cannot afford to live on the wages of an HCA indefinitely. Another reason is my desire to work abroad when my daughter is grown. Sad, but true.

October blues.

Do you ever get one of those really depressing, weird-type months? Doesn't even have to be a particular month, could be a day, week, year, whatever really. October has been one of those for me. I'm so glad it's almost over. I've started a new placement this month and have been getting into the swing of being back at work. That's bad enough after a few weeks off! The Mum of a close family friend has recently died, and it was a more drawn-out process than anyone would have liked, and that included the Mum that died. Funeral this week so have had to rearrange my off duty. I'm consequently working all day and evening tomorrow and most of Thursday so will be knackered. My parents have been away and my daughter and I have been staying at their house and we've just got back so getting used to being back at home again. I went out last night for the first time in months, that's certainly a break from the norm! Anyway, I just don't feel that I'm in any sort of routine right now. So, roll on November. I just want some sort of normality.

Shattered!

I only seem to write in this one when I'm fed up about something or other, so it's probably a good thing that I only write in it once or twice a month! There isn't really anything I'm particularly annoyed about right now so I'm just writing because I thought I should! It's just been the usual stuff that's been winding me up lately; the constant obsession with celebrity, having to get up at 5am every morning again (back on the wards!) and not having enough hours in the day to do everything I want to. I'm a bit fed up with feeling so tired when I get in from work because there are so many other things I want to do but can't because all I can do is collapse on the sofa when I get in! I think I need to address my diet, get into eating more high-energy, healthy food. Can't promise anything!

Stupid idiot

I feel like such a fool. I've wasted £30 I can ill afford to waste. I bought an ipod from Ebay and it's some weird foreign version with non-standard menus, non-standard connectors and a different clickwheel. There were no headphones with it (not initially a problem) but normal headphones don't fit in the socket. I feel like I'm going to cry. I've been so looking forward to getting this and the feeling of being let down is just awful. Doesn't help that it's that time of the month either and I'm in a certain amount of pain. It will teach me for being so greedy and wanting things I cannot afford. Very down on myself right now. Going through my "I'm a failure" routine again. I'm going to take Ebay off my favourites list. And all the other sites I buy things from. I'm stupid and greedy and sad. I need to concentrate on what's really important.

Jeremy Kyle

I watched it in the gym this morning. Relieves the boredom factor of the treadmill, and the earphones let people know that I don't want to talk to anyone. Anyway, I got to wondering why I watch Jeremy Kyle, enjoy it even! He's an annoying, sanctimonious little know-it-all who thinks that having a brother with addiction problems makes him an expert on human behaviour. The guests tend to be the worst examples of modern society who embarrass the rest of the human race by being so thick. Well, most of them; some of them have an ounce of sense, but then why would anyone want to air their dirty laundry in public? What makes someone want to do that? It's compulsive viewing though. I don't know if it's a superiority thing, or whether it's reassuring that I know that my life is actually fairly normal and drama-free. Makes me feel better about my situation though. I didn't bother watching Trisha afterwards. I was knackered, and I don't think they have channel 5.

"090....."

I've just been reading about those rigged phone in competitions the BBC have been running. Nothing surprises me anymore. I'm well aware that things go on in corporations such as the BBC that we do not know about, but to know that the public have been cheated so blatantly is awful. I feel like I've lost my innocence all over again! I don't have much sympathy for people who waste lots of money entering these competitions, and voting in talent shows; they should surely know by now that they are a rip off. I was stung quite a while ago by one of those late night quizzes, before they were a little more regulated. You never get through, and they charge you for every phone call you make and encourage you to "keep trying". I didn't think I would get charged for the times I didn't get through, and ended up with a phone bill a tenner higher than it normally was. I was lucky it was just £10. I did (and still do) feel stupid though. They should scrap them all, and if they still want to have on-air competitions then bring back the "write your answer on a postcard" format. Isn't TV a big pile of poo lately? Dumbing down? It couldn't get much dumber.

Alan Johnston

I've removed the "Free Alan Johnston" button. It was a pleasure to do. If you want to read about Alan, the link to the BBC is http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/in_depth/world/2007/alan_johnston/default.stm

Long live Alan Johnston. But let's not forget the hundreds of other hostages that languish in their prisons around the world.

Tears of joy

That's what was coming from my eyes when I awoke and heard the news this morning. It was so good to see Alan free at last. I think I'll probably be late for work this morning as I've been reading the news on the internet, listening to it on World Service, and watching it on the TV! Still, I'm not going to remove the buttons from my blogs until I see him back with his family in Scotland, or his friends in London. Good on you Alan. You've had so much to cope with and you look relatively well. I hope you feel okay too. It will take time to adjust and feel anywhere near normal again, but you will. Hurray!!

Dear Alan Johnston

Alan,
I feel sick at the thought of what you must be going through right now. Rest assured though, that anyone who knows you will not do you any harm, and your captors will surely have got to know you fairly well in the last 3 months. It was terribly distressing seeing you in the last video, I feel so much for your friends and family, they must be going through hell. As your Dad said, keep your chin up Alan, you've done really well so far. You're looking a little thin though. I tell you what, when you come back I'll do you sausage and mash, feed you up a bit!

Boo hiss, I'm a working Mum.

I've always tried my best to do what I think is right. I've brought my daughter up to be polite and hard-working, although the hard-working bit seems to have fallen by the wayside now that she's a teenager! Still, she's not doing too badly right now. Adults comment on how polite and friendly she is. She was bullied last year at school and seems to have come through it relatively unscathed, in that she hasn't turned into a bullying monster or retreated into herself too much. I think she's a good kid.

I am therefore very upset that people think I'm a terrible Mum because I have nearly always worked for a living, right from when she was about 8 months old. I was still with her father then, but his income was not sufficient to provide for us all. And no, we didn't have a foreign holiday once a year or a nice car or expensive clothes. There were years when we didn't have a holiday at all, the cars we had were always at least 8 years-old, and I bought clothes from markets and discount shops. The only thing I spent a fair amount of money on was my daughter's shoes because I thought that was important as she was growing.

Now I am a single parent and have been for a number of years, I still have to work to support the two of us. Working shifts is a great advantage as I can often pick up my daughter from school. The only benefit I have claimed is tax credit. Now I am a student nurse I am not eligible for working tax credit as I am allegedly not working, although I do claim child tax credit. We have not had a foreign holiday since 1998, the only holidays we have had are day trips and camping holidays in the UK. I bought camping equipment with a small bonus I received from a job I had a few years ago.

I have been reading the contributions to the BBC Have Your Say web site and working parents are being pilloried and made to feel guilty for leaving their children in the care of strangers. I am now wondering what harm I have done to my daughter. As I said before, she seems fairly normal now, but what could be brewing? My Mum worked when I was younger and I think I'm doing okay. I don't have a criminal record, I don't think I've ever been a delinquent although I did go through some strange phases as an adolescent. I don't take drugs. I like a drink occasionally, but tend to restrict it to weekends and/or social occasions. And I never spend more than £3.99 on a bottle of wine. So I think I'm a relatively average member of society. Why do I feel so bad then? I used to feel proud that I have never had to rely on a wealthy husband or the state to support me. I used to think that I was setting my daughter a good example by letting her see that I work to get the things we have, and that she should expect to do the same as she reaches adulthood. I thought she would be proud that she has a mother that doesn't sit around watching a constant stream of soaps and Jeremy Kyle and Big Brother, and one that doesn't rely on benefits to feed and clothe us. Maybe I was wrong. I would have liked to have spent more time with her when she was small, but it just wasn't possible.

I feel now that I may have made a terrible mistake. At least I have only made it once though. My daughter's father and I knew we couldn't afford to have more than one child so we didn't have any more. I have known since then that the time has never been right to have any more and now, at 36 years-old it is unlikely to happen again for me. I hope my daughter turns out okay then. I hope she doesn't feel neglected. I have done my best.

Happy Birthday Alan Johnston.

I hope you can access the media somehow, because the good wishes of the whole world are being broadcast. It's a shame you can't be with your family and friends on your birthday, though I'm sure they will save the party for when you return. Your family, friends and colleagues have been fantastic. Hope to see you soon, we need you back at work!

Back to Nature

I can't remember where I found this picture; I think it might have been on a BBC page. I wanted to put it on here, because although we all probably curse dandelions especially when the bits of fluff are flying about everywhere, they really are beautiful when you look closely. It's great to see something so complex and exquisite when there is so much ugliness in the World.

Who'd be a student nurse???!!

God, I'm tired. Don't you just hate it when you're so tired but can't settle, and your mind is whizzing with a million different things. I've been grouchy with my daughter this evening and she really didn't deserve it. I think I need to get back on the St John's Wort. Marvellous stuff, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I guess I'd better get some sleep tonight as I'm on a night shift tomorrow night. And judging by the projection, it's going to be busy. I'm supposed to be off this week but I need the money to get my car through its MOT. Can't do without my car! Can't wait for Saturday morning though. I don't have any more shifts booked there and I'm quite glad. There is one person there who delights in making me feel miserable and small, and she's working Saturday morning when I finish my night. Anyway, I'm back at university next week so can't really do any shifts. I have plenty of studying to catch up on so need to spend some time at home.
I've just been passed through to my second year of training so that's good news! Having a spot of trouble with my online registration so I'll probably end up having to go to student services, which is a bit of a pain in the neck. Just waiting for my exam results now; 2 weeks today! Cross fingers!

For Phyllis McCormack

I was reading a local paper, the Wilmslow Express yesterday and came across this poem, published by the columnist Vic Barlow. It was written by Phyllis McCormack and was found by her husband while he was sorting through her possessions after she had passed away. I'd like to share it with a few people.

What do you see nurses, what do you see?
What are you thinking when you look at me?
A crabbled old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes...
Who dribbles her food and makes no reply
When you say in a loud voice 'I do wish you'd try.'

Who seems not to notice the things that you do
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe
Who resisting or not lets you do as you will
With bathing and feeding the long day to fill.

Is that what you're thinking...is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, you're not looking at me.

I'll tell who I amass I sit here so still
As I move at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of ten with a father and mother
Brothers and sisters who love one another
A young girl of 16 with wings on her feet.
Dreaming that soon a lover she'll meet.
A bride soon at 20 my heart gives a leap
Twenty five now I have young of my own
Who need me to build a secure happy home.

A woman of 30, my young now grow fast
Bound to each other with ties that will last
At 40 years old my young now soon gone
But my man stays beside me to see I don't mourn
At 50 more babies play round my knee
Again we know children my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead
I look to the future and shudder with dread.
For my young are busy with young of their own
And I think of the years and the love I have known.
I'm an old woman now and nature is cruel
T'is her jest to make old age look like a fool.

The body it crumbles, grace and vigour depart
And now there's a stone where I once had a heart
But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells
And now and again my battered heart swells
I remember the joys, I remember the pain
And I'm living and loving life over again.
I think of the years all too few - gone so fast
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.

So open your eyes nurses, open and see...

Not a crabbled old woman - look closer see me.


Thanks Vic for letting me print this.

The human race

I've just noticed what I've called this blog, and of course it's purely subjective. You might think it is bollocks; you're entitled to your opinion. What I meant to portray is that I'm going to try not to fill it with all of the whining, self-indulgent crap I put in the last one.
The whole world is full of bollocks and crap right now anyway. I try not to watch the news too much, apart from updates on Alan Johnston of course. There are many terrible things happening. Kidnapping foreign journalists (Alan being the latest in a fairly long line), blowing up innocent people (Baghdad), shooting innocent people (Virginia), the situation in Darfur, to name but a few. The list goes on and on. We as people ought to hang our heads in shame for the atrocities we are capable of. What would it take to get us all to get along a bit more than we are doing? There are too many people vying for power over others, too many who aren't concerned with who they hurt just to get what they want, or to impose their ideologies on others. Some dress it up as religion. I'm not totally against religion; it has done some good things in the past, mainly for small communities, but on a larger scale has caused more problems and is more trouble than it is worth. And I'm not singling out a single religion; most have been guilty of terrible acts at various points in history. Islam has kind, peace-loving, caring ideologies, but a few choose to interpret it differently and use it for their own gains. The behaviour of Christians in the past has been terrible; just read about what was done during the Crusades in the name of God. Catholicism has a past steeped in mystery, secret financial dealings, and intimidation.
I am not an expert on religion and culture; this is just what I see. It scares me how much intolerance and hatred religion causes. We are all people, we all bleed red stuff. We all hurt, we all laugh, we all cry. We are one and the same, despite colour, culture, country of origin. Yet we treat each other dreadfully. We don't care. We should embrace difference and notice how it can enrich us as a species.
It's not going to happen of course. We are who we are. I just thought I'd let you know why I'm not watching / listening to the news as much as I used to. I just want something good to happen.

Alan Johnston

There is so much hatred and violence in the world today. So much nonsense and stupidity and pointless issues. Although I never met the man, I'm quite distraught about what has happened to Alan Johnston, the BBC reporter. Current reports say that a group has claimed to have killed him, although this hasn't been confirmed yet. What do people hope to achieve by doing things like this? It certainly isn't going to further their cause at all. If anything, it will detract from it. Alan Johnston was a champion of Palestine, he informed the west of conditions over there. We in the west would never know such things were it not for brave and caring people like Alan Johnston. I'm hoping he is still alive, but it's not looking too good for him. Why has nobody heard anything? Has it all been covered up for some reason? Surely if this was for a cause, we would have heard about it long before now. Something weird is going on with the information we are getting. I think there is much more to this than meets the eye. All you governments and secret service agencies etc involved in this, for pity's sake have some compassion and let his family and friends know what has happened to him.